Squoval Ballet Slippers
by pam ashlund
12/29/02
It started out innocently enough, just like this: I turned 40. A track in my brain just skipped and started playing over and over again “why aren’t you married?” “why aren’t you married” “why aren’t you married?”. It was annoying for a few days, but by the end of the week I was considering lobotomy. By the end of the month I was standing at the edge of the roof. Then I called a friend, “you’ve got to get this book”.
And that, is how it started… “You are a creature like no other” it intoned. “Do whatever it is you have to do to become attractive, if you need that nose job, get it. “ Whoa, I couldn’t think of a stronger affront to my bra-burning morals, but then there was that voice that could not be silenced. This was war.
I went to the market and bought women’s magazines I had never heard of “Allure” “In Style” “Elle” “Marie Claire” and a couple of the old standbys “Glamour” and “Vogue”. I began my research in earnest. Hair styles, makeup, fashion, jewelry, and something that had never, never crossed my mind: nail color.
There it was in bold Helvetica type “Brown, it’s the new Black”. Apparently “ghetto nails” were out this year, and the life long signal of the class-act in nails the “French Manicure” was now a mortal sin, destined to leave you standing outside the velvet rope. Brown, yes, brown is in this year: chocolate, coffee, latte, beige. Deep and rich, delicious even, but don’t drink it, stick to Starbucks.
Armed with my new found knowledge I headed off to the Marina Beauty Bar, conveniently located next door to my supermarket. There I found the abundance of shades of brown I desired. I bought one of each. There were 32.
Hours later, enter favorite neighbor, Gerry. After hello, he eyed my shining new cocoa nails and said “what color is that Pam?”
“Cocoa”, I breathed, “rich and delicious isn’t it amazing?”
It looks like Brown to me. You know that’s a color I never understood, now burgundy, that’s a nice color.
I know, Ger, but chocolate is in this year, you don’t understand these things
Well, I do know one thing, Brown is ugly, why not do that thing you had before, that was nice, with the white?
Oh my god, a French manicure? Those are ghetto nails now, nobodies wearing them!
Okay, well if you want to have ugly nails, go right ahead, I mean, as long a you’re in fashion, right? But I do think those other ones were pretty…
The next day, on the treadmill with Melissa. Her nails were some shade of light pink. “Let’s go get our nails done” she prodded. I nodded earnestly. “This is serious, we have to get Brown, yours are okay, but pink isn’t in”. “It is in Boca Raton, baby, this is “Ballet Slippers” “Ballet Slippers?” Yep. So, off we went to get the nails, tips glued on, covered with special pink colored acrylic, and then filed into a shape.
You want Square tip?
Square Tip?
“Square or Oval?” the beautiful Vietnamese girl-child barked at me.
I like square, but not too square.
She blinked at me and then, comprehending, shouted “Round Square!”
“Yes I said, looking over my shoulder at Melissa, who laughed.
“Squoval, Pam. Square-Oval. Squoval”. That’s what we say at home “Squoval Ballet Slippers”.
The next month I ran out eagerly to the newsstands and brought home yet another truckload of fashion mags. There, in a row, were narrow photos of the divas of fashion, Gweneth, Jennifer, J-Lo, even Claire Danes (somehow still keeping this esteemed company). Underneath a caption:
“There are a lot of people walking around wearing beige thinking its safe but it really just washes them out”.
That night I picked up my stack of magazines with my lovely squoval beige/chocolate/latte/ballet slipper claws, and threw them down the garbage chute.
home | pam's blogs | delicious tags | movie madness | the missing link | reading list | find pammi | photoshoot