Blessed Be, Sister
by p. ashlund
If you are what you eat, then I’m apple sauce and white rice. A week on prescription antacids may be showing signs of working, but very slowly. Well, eating small, low fat meals and chewing very slowly, cutting back on coffee, etc. can’t be a bad thing I guess. I also discovered that I can eat jelly beans for desert!
Whew, what a weekend! It was one of those weekends where NOTHING happens, but it ends up seeming humorous. I woke up Saturday morning and the only thing on my agenda was an 11 am massage appointment and then a long boring afternoon hanging out in Jon’s empty apartment waiting for the bed to be delivered and the cable guy to come.
I went to the local day spa Le Petite Retreat early to take my time. In the garage the phone rang and I couldn’t get a signal when I tried to answer. So outside I re-dialed the caller and said “who’s this?” and a mans voice replied “It’s the driver”. I said “I didn’t order a driver, I think you have a wrong number” and he apologized. A minute later the phone rang again and it was the man again. “I’m sorry, I was looking for Jonathan”. I said “Well, there’s not Jonathan here” and he apologized again and hung up.
I went into the spa for their famous Jade Stone Massage and when I came out two hours later I headed over to Jon’s apartment. In my post-massage laid back mood I observed that I was very late getting to Jon’s place. It was already 1:15 and the deliveries were all scheduled from 11 – 5. When I got to his door, there was a sign saying “we were here, where were you?”. Suddenly the mystery phone call from the morning came flashing back to me. The “driver” was bringing the bed to Jon’s place. My peaceful place helped a little, but I was embarrassed. At least I hadn’t missed the cable guy. But as each hour passed I lost more hope in that idea. It was two, and then three, and then four and finally five and no cable guy. At 5:30, bored, tired and hungry, I finally headed home. At 5:45 a got a call from Jon saying the cable guy was at his house and where was I? I drove all the way back to his house but the man was GONE. Striking out three times, giving up my whole day, racing to a deadline right after a pricey massage, and in general bummed out because I got nothing out of the day and Jon got nothing for my trouble!
Sunday I was still in pursuit of inner peace and this time
the whole day had only one agenda, a level 1 Yoga class at the
Inside, I packed into the little room with our teacher, Hazel at the front of the room. Please lay down, lift your left leg, cross your right let over the left and pull on the left leg she intoned. I pulled and pushed once or twice and then decided to lie quietly while they repeated this six times. “How are you doing?” Hazel asked. “Fine” I muttered “Too much for me”.
Then Hazel said, okay, come up to simple pose. Simple Pose is sitting with your legs crossed, which my poor knees can only tolerate for a few moments. I straightened out my legs. Luckily Hazel didn’t say anything. Then she said “now, let us sit back on our knees and just relax”. I tried to sit back on my feet to no avail. A mere four inches separated me from my heels. I was frustrated struggling to find some compromise. Hazel noticed and this time offered this opinion “We American’s have lost the ability to sit, because we have chairs”.
That was it for me. 45 minutes of twisted torture with Hazel when I had come to de-stress and relax, and this was a level ONE class. I took my mat, my sore knees and my fat ass right on out of there to the front desk. There I was greeted by the manager, perky little Rachel. “Welcome, Sister” she chirped. I remembered her from the orientation class because she effortlessly kicked her leg up to her head by way of saying hello. I told her about Hazel’s humiliating technique and asked if that was an introductory class, adding “you know what? I didn’t need to hear that today”. Rachel listened and said “come on Sister, let’s sit down”. Despite my desire to point out that I was not her sister, I sat down and Rachel went through the class schedule and helped me find the “nice” teachers. Finally it was time to leave and after our good byes as I walked away I heard Rachel calling “Blessed Be Sister!”.
fin 